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| Original caption: Ne ties a friendship bracelet on me, Sapa. (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
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| Two friends (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
How We Can Save Friendships when We Are Wrong
I
personally have done it .Been very judgmental with a good friend and lost the
relationship. It is not that we mean to be judgmental with friends. We assume,
we know them well enough to share our unsolicited advice for their own good.
This usually however; is not our motive. Our motive is more selfish . We feel
hurt and offended by some personal decision, our friends made and we want them
to know we are angry. This is only usually apparent to us after the fact.
A
friend confides and you that they are tempted to have an affair. You were hurt
deeply in the past by your spouse or partner cheating. Suddenly you friend is
not your friend anymore but someone who represents an emotional symbol of the
" other women". You never got a chance to lash out at the real 'other
women' when you were with your partner so you lash out at your friend.
First
you need to step back and look at what you said to your friend . You were
addressing the wrong person. You need to be realistic about how your friends
personal actions effect your personal life. Unless your best friends with her
husband, which could create a real moral conflict for you; the truth is not
much. The point of friendship is to support your friend in positive decisions
not to play moral judge of their ethical short comings.
This
is not to say that you have to approve of every choice your friends make in
their personal lives. Instead of outright criticism , you might share with your
friend how much your spouse hurt you cheating and how it damaged your
relationship. You friend will get the message and a least think about what
cheating means to those around them. You may not stop them but you will get the
point across.
Say
you have already said critical and judgmental things to your friend and they
are off your friend radar, there are things you can do to salvage the
relationship.
First
decide if the relationship is worth saving. We all outgrow people. It is very
unlikely we will be able to have a productive mutually satisfying relationship
with a person we find morally repugnant. Sure you were best budsat sixteen but
then your life experiences lead you to different viewpoints. These viewpoints
may not be able to co exists. It is better to remember the good times with a
friend from our youth then create an adult enemy. If the is toxic to you let it
go. You will find new friends and can cherish the good memories of your lost
friend while you still have them Having repeated conflict with a friend will
over ride any good feelings you had about that person in the past.
If
you have been wrong and you will to save the friendship only honesty will do
that.. If you are not speaking to the person email them and say you are sorry
and 'explain ' to them why you personally said unkind things. Make sure you
make them understand that you understand that it was not they who made you
angry but it was your own not dealt with issues. Leave the door open for
further discussion. Say your sorry and tell them that you do want to be
supportive of them in their personal life.
You
may also suggest to your friend that you concentrate on the positive aspects of
your friendship and want to love and help them but within certain guidelines.
If you cannot tolerate their confessions of infidelity then tell them because
of your own personal hang-ups you cannot discuss it with them .Tell them you
will be there to go out with them if they are depressed. Just make it clear
that to preserve the friendship certain topics should be off limits. Your
friend is not your spouse and you need not have the same level of openness with
them as you do your partner.
Be
sure to make setting limits into a two way street. Maybe your friend is sick of
listening to you talk bitterly about your ex. Ask them if they wish to deem
things off topic for the sake of the relationships.
Most
people have forgiving hearts and will forgive you and return to being your
friend. Surviving conflict will probably make you better friends in the end.
Learning to watch your tongue and respect your friend's emotional boundaries
will lead you to have a wonderful friendship that can last a lifetime.
The method still good enough but nowadays there are a lot of more an easier ways to do it. For example this one http://copy9.com/catch-cheating-spouses-with-copy9/ . It is stable and has not let me down.
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