English: Comfort in Grief (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I'm Happy Just to Dance with You (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Anyone who knows me really well knows that my name and contentment do not go together. Rather, I live by obsessions and on fixing the problems of my self and well everyone I know. I have never claimed to have a high success rate.

Lately something odd has happened. I am content. Sometimes I am actually happy. When I am my kids, tend to ask, "What is wrong?" I guess if Mom is not ranting about the plight of the Palestinian or the fact the boys never clean their bathroom then the planets must be out of alignment.

So I sat down to figure out if there are some advantages to getting older and learning a few things about how I actually ended up contented. I came up with a few. I would obsessively catalog them to fix the unhappiness of the masses, but I think I will skip that.

Lesson One: Let It Be

I possess very little personal power to change the behavior of my own teens let alone the woes of the world. To borrow cliché advice from the Beatles song, let it be. I support the political cause I can when I have time and money. I have done my share of canvassing, speaking at school board, and writing letters to everyone about causes that throw me into rants. Change will happen with or without me. I have do not have the mental constitution to not overly respond to my house being egged, door vandalized, or the religious nut carrying," I hate fags" sign at Pride. At the end of the day I am a house wife and it is ok. The world is full of bright and talented people who do have the mental constitution for these things.

Lesson Two: Do what you can tolerate.

I do have a personal ethic and politic. I am doing what I can tolerate. No one vandalizes your house or physically threatens you for volunteering at a pet shelter. I feel passionately about animals and I can actually enjoy working on something of value even if it just changes the lives of a few dogs and cats.

Lesson Three: The sky is not falling

I have been poor my whole adult life. I used to live in constant anxiety where the food and rent were coming from. I used to grieve over not being able to give them the lessons and clothes the other kids had.

Now I know the sky is not falling. The rent money always comes. I have never been homeless. The kids have not starved and hopefully will be functional adults. I always gave them the best of what I had ;even if I could not give them the best of everything.

Lesson Four: It is ok if the past was sad sometimes.

People die and lovers leave. I used to live in a sort of perpetual grief. I just never could stand to lose anyone. I wanted stability and I got a hell of ride. I found you can be happy sometimes just if you choose too.

Lesson Five: It is ok to be happy and to remember the joy of the past.

It is not a sin to be happy; just because there is injustice in the world. It is also just as important to remember the joy of the past as much as the grief. Time does not heal your past wounds, but remembering the good part of lost relationships is sort of like aspirin for grief.

I have not had a normal life. I have not had a significant life. In the end it is my life and even if in the big picture my existence changed nothing. joy was my birthright all along.

Original caption: Ne ties a friendship bracelet on me, Sapa. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Two friends (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

How We Can Save Friendships when We Are Wrong

How to Make Up with Friends.

I personally have done it .Been very judgmental with a good friend and lost the relationship. It is not that we mean to be judgmental with friends. We assume, we know them well enough to share our unsolicited advice for their own good. This usually however; is not our motive. Our motive is more selfish . We feel hurt and offended by some personal decision, our friends made and we want them to know we are angry. This is only usually apparent to us after the fact.

A friend confides and you that they are tempted to have an affair. You were hurt deeply in the past by your spouse or partner cheating. Suddenly you friend is not your friend anymore but someone who represents an emotional symbol of the " other women". You never got a chance to lash out at the real 'other women' when you were with your partner so you lash out at your friend.

First you need to step back and look at what you said to your friend . You were addressing the wrong person. You need to be realistic about how your friends personal actions effect your personal life. Unless your best friends with her husband, which could create a real moral conflict for you; the truth is not much. The point of friendship is to support your friend in positive decisions not to play moral judge of their ethical short comings.

This is not to say that you have to approve of every choice your friends make in their personal lives. Instead of outright criticism , you might share with your friend how much your spouse hurt you cheating and how it damaged your relationship. You friend will get the message and a least think about what cheating means to those around them. You may not stop them but you will get the point across.

Say you have already said critical and judgmental things to your friend and they are off your friend radar, there are things you can do to salvage the relationship.

First decide if the relationship is worth saving. We all outgrow people. It is very unlikely we will be able to have a productive mutually satisfying relationship with a person we find morally repugnant. Sure you were best budsat sixteen but then your life experiences lead you to different viewpoints. These viewpoints may not be able to co exists. It is better to remember the good times with a friend from our youth then create an adult enemy. If the is toxic to you let it go. You will find new friends and can cherish the good memories of your lost friend while you still have them Having repeated conflict with a friend will over ride any good feelings you had about that person in the past.

If you have been wrong and you will to save the friendship only honesty will do that.. If you are not speaking to the person email them and say you are sorry and 'explain ' to them why you personally said unkind things. Make sure you make them understand that you understand that it was not they who made you angry but it was your own not dealt with issues. Leave the door open for further discussion. Say your sorry and tell them that you do want to be supportive of them in their personal life.

You may also suggest to your friend that you concentrate on the positive aspects of your friendship and want to love and help them but within certain guidelines. If you cannot tolerate their confessions of infidelity then tell them because of your own personal hang-ups you cannot discuss it with them .Tell them you will be there to go out with them if they are depressed. Just make it clear that to preserve the friendship certain topics should be off limits. Your friend is not your spouse and you need not have the same level of openness with them as you do your partner.

Be sure to make setting limits into a two way street. Maybe your friend is sick of listening to you talk bitterly about your ex. Ask them if they wish to deem things off topic for the sake of the relationships.

Most people have forgiving hearts and will forgive you and return to being your friend. Surviving conflict will probably make you better friends in the end. Learning to watch your tongue and respect your friend's emotional boundaries will lead you to have a wonderful friendship that can last a lifetime.

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